Things Facebook Has Taught Me, Part 1

1. I am a scumbag that has inadvertently pissed off a lot of people. It never fails, every day at least 10 people direct their zero-context statuses to no particular person and I have no choice but to assume they are for me. Updates like, “Ugh, you’re pathetic,” “Really?,” “Are you kidding me? FMLLL,” “Please, you ugly and jealous he mine,” are relentless and confusing. I wish my attackers would just address their grievances privately and fill me in on what exactly I did to them.

2. Girls don’t trust guys as a result of prior heartbreak. Guys don’t trust girls as a result of prior heartbreak. Perhaps the two should acknowledge mutual vulnerability and just get on with it.

3. In college, plagiarism will result in expulsion from the academic institution and the placement of an embarrassing scarlet letter on every article of clothing. On Facebook, plagiarism is errywhurr. It’s possible to convince some people that you’re a comedic genius just by re-posting a semi-humorous Internet joke without quotation marks or attribution. I’m warning you though…Internet whores spend hours perusing Reddit, Imgur, Know Your Meme, 9gag and are intimately familiar with all the things months before you are. We’ll be in touch.

4. As long as Facebook has a messaging system, someone in a relationship is going to wonder if their boyfriend/girlfriend is being a shady slimeball.

5. People are programmed to like pictures of cats, alcohol, breasts, and Chick-Fil-A.

6. Brainwashing is no longer a studied, meticulous craft.  Add ‘REPOST IF YOU AGREE’ to any lengthy paragraph and that thing will spread, the more controversial the better.

Sense of belonging after years of high-school ostracism -1. 
Free-thinking, research, and not giving a fack what other’s think – 0.

7. My gender does some really absurd things in support of really good causes.

8. But most importantly… over the years I have learned that I am acquainted with some really, really intelligent and funny people. If I have, in any way, offended someone reading this post, I sorry :(

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